Everyone’s journey is different. If your demons don’t look like mine that doesn’t mean that they are lesser demons. There is a demon, one that follows me like a ghost. One that I have avoided acknoweldging for a long time. By acknowledging it, it loses its power over me.
I have always pushed myself outside of my comfort zone physically but have been reluctant to do so mentally and emotionally for a long time. In an effort to grow as a conscious human being and not just a meat basket I have begun to delve deeper into myself and push that self towards it’s limits.
Let me start by saying emotions suck. They are fickle, unreliable, and downright unreasonable. But I acknowledge that they need to be understood. In doing so I have come to face a very scary but comforting reality. Scary because it is true and truth can be terrifying. Comforting because it is no longer in the dark where it is most dangerous. Here it is. I am always, on my worst days and on my best days, considering taking my own life. It’s not about physical pain. Everyone has that and I don’t believe mine is special. I don’t believe I have active PTS. I will always deal with the repercussions of what has happened but I no longer have flashbacks to the stabbing or massive panic attacks in public. I feel weak. I feel like a burden.
When I am strained from chronic fatigue where I am awake and speaking one minute and then passed out in the chair the next or my health is in the gutter and my wife has to push me in a wheel chair, feed me and clothe me I think that I could and should be a better husband, a better father or that someone else could do it better. On my best days where I feel like I could conquer the world with a toothpick I acknowledge that the feeling is fleeting and I feel that it would be better to go out on top.
I have had a wonderful life. I have a loving and understanding family, I have a physical body that has its limitations but can still do quite a bit from time to time, I have served in the Marine Corps with amazing men and women, and lived an all around amazing life. I love my life. My life is not disappointing to me. I am the disappointment. I love my life. But I loathe myself.
I love my family, this beautiful world, and the things the human body and mind are capable of. I believe humans are capable of recovery. It’s hardwired into our biology. I stay my hand from acting on these suicidal thoughts because I hold on to hope that given enough time and with the right amount of effort, I can get better. I will get better.
I might not be better than I was when I was healthy and virile, but if I can be one percent better in some facet than I was yesterday then that’s good enough for me to keep trying. And in that regard, I am already better than I was. I am resilient now, like I never was before.